Monday, March 31, 2003
Back from my weekend at home and sitting at my desk…
Unfortunately, this weekend didn’t turn out the way that I thought it would. I was so excited to be with my parents and so excited to be out of NYC that I really believed getting away would be the best release. And to tell the truth, the first 10 minutes of the trip was indeed that way.
After we finished dinner on Friday night, my dad informed my mother and I that he had something he needed to tell us. In unison, we all lit up cigarettes and listened to my dad tell us how my brother has received new “orders” and will be shipping out to Baghdad on Easter Sunday. Originally, we were told that he would be a part of a “peace-keeping” mission and that he wouldn’t go to war for at least a couple more months. According to my father, my brother burst into tears on the phone with him and went on and on about how scared and angry he is at this war. He was so together about it before, but now that it’s becoming a reality, he doesn’t want anything to do with it. He doesn’t want to fight. He doesn’t want to kill. He is the boy we knew he was all along.
Hearing that Winfield is so upset and frightened made us even that much more depressed. After my dad relayed the news to us, my mom immediately started to cry. The news hit me like a ton of bricks and all I could was sit there stone-faced and stare at my father, the words going in one ear and out the other. I had no idea how to comprehend the idea that my little brother would be going to Baghdad.
We sat and discussed the scenario for a little bit and then we all agreed that it would be best to put it out of our minds for the rest of the evening. Winfield was to call on Saturday and we would discuss it with him then. Slowly, but surely, we got drunk and had a good time together.
When I went to bed on Friday night, I watched my usual 15-minute dosage of CNN to catch up on any developing news that I might have missed. I ended up sitting on my bed, wracked with sobs for a very long time. I was so angry and frustrated and I felt as though I wanted to tear my bedroom up into a million pieces. It took all the strength I had not to destroy everything in arms reach. The pain and anguish I felt was so intense. As the tears flowed, I clenched my hands as tight as I could, punched my legs over and over, and well, did whatever I could to make the pain go away. Eventually I burned myself out and I lay down exhausted from allowing all of this emotion to flow out of my body.
On Saturday, we did in fact go see a movie and out to dinner. It was a nice day, but each one of us was carrying a heavy heart the entire time. Winfield didn’t end up calling and we assumed that he was too upset to talk to us.
Just before we left for the movie, we were all sitting in my living room watching TV. Out of nowhere, my mom starts crying and crying. She kept saying: “This hurts too bad. I don’t think I can do this. What are we going to do??” My dad remained calm and somehow I managed to keep my act together too. We let her cry herself out and comforted her in the best way that we could. Watching my mom cry in desperation was one of the worst moments I have ever had in my life. She seemed so helpless and afraid. And it was exactly how I was feeling. Eventually, my mom pulled herself together and we all hugged each other for a very long time. I said: “We have to stick together on this. No one can deal with this alone.”
Saturday night was probably the most relaxing time of the whole weekend, but it was still filled with underlying anxiety. I went to bed at 11:30pm and watched mindless TV until I could finally fall asleep.
Yesterday was tough.
I had lunch with my parents before I left to go back to NYC. They made tacos, cuz they know how much I love them. I don’t know how I found the appetite, but I did and ended up shoving my face with a lot of Mexican before I got on the train. When I hugged my mom goodbye, we held each other for longer than usual. She told me to call her if I ever need to talk. She told me that she loves me more than I will ever know. She told me to be safe. And then I turned and left the house.
My dad picked up Mariah and we went to the train station. The mood in the car was rather somber, but we got through it. Mariah could tell that something was up, but waited until I said goodbye to my dad to inquire about it. My dad, like my mom, held me for a long time at the train station. The tears threatened to overwhelm me, so I kissed him and said goodbye. I turned and walked away without looking back.
I informed Mariah of the latest news and she was incredibly supportive. We only spoke about it for a couple of minutes as I found that I couldn’t keep my shit together. She hugged me for a bit and then we decided to get some beer on the train. For the ride home, we did our best to make up games and laugh. It worked for the most part, but the minute I got off the train, I just wanted to get into bed.
I walked from Port Authority in the rain. The last place that I wanted to be was in NYC. If I could have found any excuse for staying in Albany, I would have. I can’t stand the thought of my parents having to go through all of this alone. I can’t stand having to be separated from them during this time. Winfield is the love of our lives and I know that the only thing any of us want right now is for things to go back to being normal.
I got home around 7pm and immediately went to my room.
I called my parents as soon as I walked through my bedroom door and they informed me that my brother’s leave date has been postponed again. He is tentatively leaving on May 10th now. GOD! I was relieved, but also exasperated at this stupid ARMY that breaks your heart 50 times before they actually break it for real. My parents were very positive on the phone and told me that the later he goes into battle, the better chance there is for his safety. They also told me that Winfield worked 15-hour days on both Saturday and Sunday and that was the reason for his not calling.
And I guess that’s about it.
I feel like I am made of glass today. I am barely holding it together. The only thing I want is to be left alone. I feel warn down and I think that if I am pushed in any way, I might break and fall apart completely. The last thing I want to do is talk about any of this with any of my friends. My Uncle Brad just called to talk about the California plans for this summer and I had to tell him that today was not the day to discuss it. I got the feeling that he felt bad having me push him off, but I just didn’t want to talk.
I plan on leaving work tonight and spending the evening with Paul. He is the only person I want to see right now. Maybe after I reconnect with him, I will feel a bit more rejuvenated. He is the only person that I want to hug me and he is the only one that I want to cry to. If I didn’t have him right now, I don’t know what I would do.
The war has only been going on for two weeks yet my emotions feel stretched to the limits, as though it has been going on for months. I am worried and I am sad. I feel helpless and like I can’t get control over anything in my life. When all I want to do is protect my brother, I find that I can do nothing, but pray.
My mom said one thing this weekend that struck me so deeply. She said: “Without faith in God, how would we ever be able to deal with this?”
And she is so right. If I didn’t have God to go to and to count on, there would be no way that I could look at any of this in a positive light. God is in control and I have to trust that his plan will be done. He will protect Winfield and he will keep us all sane.
But for now, I don’t want to talk about it.
For now, I want to heal myself from the inside out.
Unfortunately, this weekend didn’t turn out the way that I thought it would. I was so excited to be with my parents and so excited to be out of NYC that I really believed getting away would be the best release. And to tell the truth, the first 10 minutes of the trip was indeed that way.
After we finished dinner on Friday night, my dad informed my mother and I that he had something he needed to tell us. In unison, we all lit up cigarettes and listened to my dad tell us how my brother has received new “orders” and will be shipping out to Baghdad on Easter Sunday. Originally, we were told that he would be a part of a “peace-keeping” mission and that he wouldn’t go to war for at least a couple more months. According to my father, my brother burst into tears on the phone with him and went on and on about how scared and angry he is at this war. He was so together about it before, but now that it’s becoming a reality, he doesn’t want anything to do with it. He doesn’t want to fight. He doesn’t want to kill. He is the boy we knew he was all along.
Hearing that Winfield is so upset and frightened made us even that much more depressed. After my dad relayed the news to us, my mom immediately started to cry. The news hit me like a ton of bricks and all I could was sit there stone-faced and stare at my father, the words going in one ear and out the other. I had no idea how to comprehend the idea that my little brother would be going to Baghdad.
We sat and discussed the scenario for a little bit and then we all agreed that it would be best to put it out of our minds for the rest of the evening. Winfield was to call on Saturday and we would discuss it with him then. Slowly, but surely, we got drunk and had a good time together.
When I went to bed on Friday night, I watched my usual 15-minute dosage of CNN to catch up on any developing news that I might have missed. I ended up sitting on my bed, wracked with sobs for a very long time. I was so angry and frustrated and I felt as though I wanted to tear my bedroom up into a million pieces. It took all the strength I had not to destroy everything in arms reach. The pain and anguish I felt was so intense. As the tears flowed, I clenched my hands as tight as I could, punched my legs over and over, and well, did whatever I could to make the pain go away. Eventually I burned myself out and I lay down exhausted from allowing all of this emotion to flow out of my body.
On Saturday, we did in fact go see a movie and out to dinner. It was a nice day, but each one of us was carrying a heavy heart the entire time. Winfield didn’t end up calling and we assumed that he was too upset to talk to us.
Just before we left for the movie, we were all sitting in my living room watching TV. Out of nowhere, my mom starts crying and crying. She kept saying: “This hurts too bad. I don’t think I can do this. What are we going to do??” My dad remained calm and somehow I managed to keep my act together too. We let her cry herself out and comforted her in the best way that we could. Watching my mom cry in desperation was one of the worst moments I have ever had in my life. She seemed so helpless and afraid. And it was exactly how I was feeling. Eventually, my mom pulled herself together and we all hugged each other for a very long time. I said: “We have to stick together on this. No one can deal with this alone.”
Saturday night was probably the most relaxing time of the whole weekend, but it was still filled with underlying anxiety. I went to bed at 11:30pm and watched mindless TV until I could finally fall asleep.
Yesterday was tough.
I had lunch with my parents before I left to go back to NYC. They made tacos, cuz they know how much I love them. I don’t know how I found the appetite, but I did and ended up shoving my face with a lot of Mexican before I got on the train. When I hugged my mom goodbye, we held each other for longer than usual. She told me to call her if I ever need to talk. She told me that she loves me more than I will ever know. She told me to be safe. And then I turned and left the house.
My dad picked up Mariah and we went to the train station. The mood in the car was rather somber, but we got through it. Mariah could tell that something was up, but waited until I said goodbye to my dad to inquire about it. My dad, like my mom, held me for a long time at the train station. The tears threatened to overwhelm me, so I kissed him and said goodbye. I turned and walked away without looking back.
I informed Mariah of the latest news and she was incredibly supportive. We only spoke about it for a couple of minutes as I found that I couldn’t keep my shit together. She hugged me for a bit and then we decided to get some beer on the train. For the ride home, we did our best to make up games and laugh. It worked for the most part, but the minute I got off the train, I just wanted to get into bed.
I walked from Port Authority in the rain. The last place that I wanted to be was in NYC. If I could have found any excuse for staying in Albany, I would have. I can’t stand the thought of my parents having to go through all of this alone. I can’t stand having to be separated from them during this time. Winfield is the love of our lives and I know that the only thing any of us want right now is for things to go back to being normal.
I got home around 7pm and immediately went to my room.
I called my parents as soon as I walked through my bedroom door and they informed me that my brother’s leave date has been postponed again. He is tentatively leaving on May 10th now. GOD! I was relieved, but also exasperated at this stupid ARMY that breaks your heart 50 times before they actually break it for real. My parents were very positive on the phone and told me that the later he goes into battle, the better chance there is for his safety. They also told me that Winfield worked 15-hour days on both Saturday and Sunday and that was the reason for his not calling.
And I guess that’s about it.
I feel like I am made of glass today. I am barely holding it together. The only thing I want is to be left alone. I feel warn down and I think that if I am pushed in any way, I might break and fall apart completely. The last thing I want to do is talk about any of this with any of my friends. My Uncle Brad just called to talk about the California plans for this summer and I had to tell him that today was not the day to discuss it. I got the feeling that he felt bad having me push him off, but I just didn’t want to talk.
I plan on leaving work tonight and spending the evening with Paul. He is the only person I want to see right now. Maybe after I reconnect with him, I will feel a bit more rejuvenated. He is the only person that I want to hug me and he is the only one that I want to cry to. If I didn’t have him right now, I don’t know what I would do.
The war has only been going on for two weeks yet my emotions feel stretched to the limits, as though it has been going on for months. I am worried and I am sad. I feel helpless and like I can’t get control over anything in my life. When all I want to do is protect my brother, I find that I can do nothing, but pray.
My mom said one thing this weekend that struck me so deeply. She said: “Without faith in God, how would we ever be able to deal with this?”
And she is so right. If I didn’t have God to go to and to count on, there would be no way that I could look at any of this in a positive light. God is in control and I have to trust that his plan will be done. He will protect Winfield and he will keep us all sane.
But for now, I don’t want to talk about it.
For now, I want to heal myself from the inside out.
